Tamar Kron, Ph.D. is clinical psychologist and Jungian analyst. She is head of the clinical psychology graduate program, the academic college of Tel-Aviv-Yafo, Israel, and has a private practice in Jerusalem. Her main research interests are: Dreams, the therapeutic relationship, postpartum depression and the couple relationship. Dr. Kron published articles and books on the above subjects, and 3 novels. In her recent book “The archetypal couple” she explores the life cycle of the couple weaving together Greek mythology, Old Testament stories and her experience as couple therapist.
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I was particularly struck by Dr. Kron’s comment, “We are repulsed by our shadow.” when referring to couples who say that at first they thought the other was the last person they would ever be with.
I think this same mechanism might be activated when one person in a couple goes through something challenging and echoes the shadow in the other person. This has opened up some ideas for me about my own past relationships!
Dr. Kron also said that it was common to at first be attracted to someone because they are a polar opposite, and then to be repulsed, but I didn’t follow the progression. Is the opposite we are attracted to interesting only at first because it is novel and exciting, but then really annoying to live with, or is there some relation to the shadow I’m not getting?
Thanks,
Richard
Dear Richard,
Thank you for your comment. Your idea that “when one person in a couple goes through something challenging and echoes the shadow in the other person”, is quite correct, I mean, it can explain one of the various kinds of crises in the life-cycle of a couple.
As to your question: The attraction to someone who represent the polar opposite, which is repressed, is connected to the shadow, but not only to that. The shadow itself can have 2 aspects: “Dark shadow”, which is constituted of all what we don’t like about ourselves and can endanger our persona. and the “Bright shadow” which is constituted of talents and wishes which were not accepted by our parents/society etc.. This kind of shadow can contain also the “Inferior function” in our personality type. For example: Lets hypothesise that you are a thinking type. Your feeling function is repressed to the shadow. You meet a woman who is a feeling type and you are attracted to her because she represents what is repressed in you. You start to live together. With time her behavior which is more or less characterized by being controlled by her feeling, and the way she expresses feelings, gets on your nerves. That’s because your thinking function cannot accept it.
Hope my answer did clear up this process.
Best regards
Tamar
Haha, I think if you’d presented that argument to the girl’s father, you’d have made him a lot angrier, Dr. Dave!